The side effects of holding unforgiving thoughts in our minds can have a very negative impact on our wellbeing. Headaches, backaches, neck pains, stomach aches, ulcers, anxiety, irritability, listlessness, restlessness, and even insomnia. The most powerful medicine for healing the thoughts that cause this long list is forgiveness: a powerful, amazing and miraculous healer. It is important to recognise and acknowledge our unforgiving mind. And then take steps to change this belief system.
But it is so difficult to forgive. Are there tools and techniques available? Well, yes. The starting point is having a willingness to change. And, like any other skill you will need to practice, practice, practice – conscious and continuous practice.
Here I explain some tools that help me in the process of forgiveness and reclaiming my inner peace and calm
Let Go
There is this forgiveness expert who is doing a workshop and, in this workshop, there is an exercise in which he asks the participants to imagine putting all their guilt and anger into a garbage can. After the garbage cans are filled, he asks the participants if they are willing to let those feelings go? If they are ready then they should tie a helium balloon to the trash can and watch the can rise slowly going higher and higher up into the sky until it disappears. Everyone did this exercise. One person just stood at the back of the room and watched the scene.
At the end of the day, she had an astonishing story to tell. She said that when the exercise started, she felt she had no anger or guilt about anything. She was leading a happy life. So she decide to just watch. Suddenly her ex-husband came into her thoughts. That scum of the earth had left her for a younger woman. And that anger just started welling inside her. In her mind, she grabbed him by the neck and threw him into her garbage can. She fastened the imaginary balloon to the can and watched it disappear in to the sky. As it vanished into the clouds, she heard aloud pop in her neck. A pain that she had in her neck since the divorce was gone! She realized that it was not the ex-husband she had got rid of but her attachment to her anger over what he had done. She said that her husband was no longer a pain in the neck to her.
Writing
Then there is the story of a gentleman who was writing a book called Goodbye to Guilt. And he asked all his friends to send him stories about what they felt most guilty about in their lives. He met a lady called Diane who replied that there was nothing that she felt guilty about. Later she started talking about her deceased father and found that she had been hiding her guilt and anger ever from herself. She talked about her dad being physically abusive, Though Diane herself was never beaten, she wished her father was different. She felt guilty that others in the family were beaten but she was not. She had buried her anger towards her father never having expressed it. She kept her feelings bottled in so she would not add to the tension in the atmosphere of the household. After writing a poem to her dad and talking about the feelings she was holding on to about her father, she found that healing could be in an instant, through forgiveness, even after the person has died. Forgiveness erased the shadow of the hurtful past.
Writing can be a powerful tool in the process of forgiveness and healing relationships. A poem, a letter, a page in the journal and maybe an unmailed letter to the person who has caused you pain, can provide you with a way to express your feelings, feelings that you have found difficult but which need to be honoured and expressed.
Perceptual Positions
This is a process that involves three positions: our own perspective, the perspective of the other person whom we are unable to forgive, and the perspective of a mentor or observer. The goal of this process is to improve communication and understanding between the two individuals to facilitate the process of forgiveness.
A. The first step is to be yourself and express your perspective and feelings about the situation at hand, without interruption. Share all your feelings.
B. Then, you shake off your persona and physically step into another space which denotes the other person's position. Breathe like them and feel like them. Share this person’s point of view. Express their thoughts and feelings.
C. Finally, you step out of both positions and take on the perspective of a mentor or observer. From this neutral viewpoint, you can analyse the situation objectively and offer advice or insights to help.
D. Step in as yourself and journal your learnings and insights.
Dissolving Resentment
Sit in a quiet space and time. Gently close your eyes. Scan your body from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. If you come across any tightness or stiffness, mentally and physically just relax that part. As you relax your body your breathing will become steady and rhythmic. Bring your attention to your mind. Shut down all the open windows and applications of the mind – gently and firmly. A clear, calm and quiet mind helps you focus fully and you can bring all its resources to bear on the issue at hand. Bring your attention first to your physical heart and feel its warmth in your chest area. Now become aware of your emotional heart: the place from which you relate, connect and engage with others. Open your emotional heart, first a crack and then wider and wider - so you can receive the true feelings, emotions and even vulnerabilities of others, and equally, to reveal your true feelings, emotions and vulnerabilities to others. Remember, you are in a safe space.
Imagine yourself sitting in a darkened theatre and in front of you is a small stage. On that stage, place the person you resent the most. It could be anyone – in the past or present, living or dead. Visualise good things happening to this person – things that would be meaningful to that person. See him/ her smiling and happy. Hold this image for a few minutes and then let it fade away. As the person leaves the stage, put yourself up there. See good things happening to you. See yourself smiling and happy. Be aware that the abundance of the Universe is available to all of us.
This exercise dissolves the dark clouds of resentment most of us carry. For some, this exercise will be very, very difficult to do. Keep trying. Each time you do this exercise, you may get a different person. The list of people we resent can ne long! Do it once daily for a month and notice how much lighter you feel.
Affirmation
In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole and complete. I welcome change and I am willing to change. I choose to change my thinking. I choose to change the words I use. I move from the old to the new with ease and with joy. It is easier for me to forgive than I thought. Forgiving makes me free and light. With joy I learn to love myself more and more. The more resentment I release, the more love I have to express. Changing my thoughts makes me feel good. I am learning to make today a pleasure to experience. All is well in my world.
You can use these affirmations on a daily basis.
There is so much love in your heart that you can heal the entire planet. For now, let’s just use this love to heal YOU. Feel a warmth beginning to glow in your heart, a softness, a gentleness. Let this feeling begin to change the way you think and talk about yourself.
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