Often, we have experiences in life that force us to confront difficult emotions, like I had to do with my cancer experience in 2016. Such experiences can leave us feeling lost and uncertain, or struggling to make sense of what happened. It can also leave a negative impact on us. And this may influence our response to similar situations in the future. However, it is possible to change the way we interpret and understand events, and transform them into positive learning experiences. We can do so by bringing the event into our awareness and asking the following questions. This applies to events that do not have a strong emotional charge or one where we have taken the time and space to delve within and discover ourselves.
1. What is the meaning you gave the past event viz cancer?
For me the meaning of my cancer was a chance to get rid of the toxicity in my system.
2. What is the positive learning?
The learning was that the body is affected with factors beyond the physical ones of food, rest and exercise and also factors like race and environment. The body is affected by the thoughts we think and the emotions we feel. The body reacts to the health of our relationships – immediate family, extended family, friends, colleagues, society at large. The body responds to the existential issues that plague us. This is the science of Psycho Neuro Immunology (PNI).
3. How can you integrate the learning in your life?
My life today, is one of extreme self care. I spend at least 3 hours everyday in activities that give me joy. I have enumerated some of them in the section below on Acceptance.
4. How can you share the wisdom you learnt with others in your life?
My life is now dedicated to spreading this message of holistic wellness – physical, mental, emotional, relational and spiritual (existential). I do a 10 week, online, 1-1 coaching program with cancer patients and also conduct one or two 5 day retreats for cancer patients every year.
My next retreat is 11-15 July, 2023 at The Hidden Oasis, Pune, India.
To reach to this level of understanding and wisdom, one has to journey through DABDA. The five stages of grief (DABDA) were first described in 1969 by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her classic book, On Death and Dying. DABDA is an acronym for the five stages:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
This five-stage model is one of the best-known descriptions of the emotional and psychological responses that people often experience when faced with a life-changing illness or situation. Though Kübler-Ross used this model to discuss death, it may also apply to other events that evoke grief and similar emotions. I will use this model to describe my experience with cancer.
Denial
We all want to believe that nothing bad can happen to us. Bad things happen to other people. When a person is given the diagnosis of cancer, the first response is that of denial. Some people will just not believe what the doctor is telling them and seek out second and third opinions. Some may demand a new set of tests, believing the results of the first ones to be false. Some people may even isolate themselves from their doctors and refuse to undergo any further medical treatment for a time.
If I had to describe my feelings when I was diagnosed with cancer, I will say I was not feeling anything. I had got early indications that what my body was going through. So, it was not a shock. None of us (me, hubby and dad) who were with the haematologist when he announced the news, felt the need for another opinion. We were in Hinduja and Dr Padate, my haematologist was sending me to Raheja hospital. So, I did ask him the reason for doing so when there were enough and more oncologists at Hinduja. And he said that Dr Suresh Advani was well known for the type of cancer I had: Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. So from Dr Padate’s office I went straight to Dr Akshay’s office. Dr Akshay was assisting Dr Advani at that time. My mentor, says that the fact that I did not feel anything was a sign of denial.
During denial, it is not uncommon to isolate oneself from family and friends or to actively avoid discussing the trauma or event. It is a self-protective mechanism by which a problem "ceases to exist" if you don't acknowledge it. Though I did acknowledge my dis-ease. I did isolate myself from friends in the initial stages. I was trying to understand what was really happening.
This stage of denial is usually short-lived. Soon after entering it, many begin to accept their diagnosis as reality. The patient may come out of isolation and resume medical treatment. I had accepted my dis-ease and had stated treatment immediately. And I did come out of my isolation after the first chemotherapy cycle. Some people, however, will use denial as a coping mechanism long into their illness and even to their death. Extended denial isn't always a bad thing; it doesn't always bring increased distress.
Anger
As a person accepts the reality of a terminal diagnosis, they may start to ask, "Why me?" The realization that all of their hopes, dreams, and well-laid plans aren't going to come about brings anger and frustration. And this anger is directed out at the world and at random people. Anger is the stage where the bottled-up feelings of the previous stages are released in a huge outpouring of grief and directed at anyone who happens to be in the way.
It is important to understand where this anger is coming from. You may watch TV and see people laughing and dancing—a cruel reminder that he can't walk anymore, let alone dance. Sometimes the anger is a cry for attention.
I did ask myself - Why me? What had I done wrong? And gradually the wisdom came to me in the next year as to how I had abused my body. And that this was not only a good opportunity to get rid of the toxicity from my body but also take concrete steps to make significant changes in my life.
For most people, this stage of coping is also short-lived. however, some people will continue in anger for much of the illness. Some will even die angry.
Bargaining
As denial and anger fail to offer any help and don't change the situation, the person may move on to bargaining. Most of us have already tried bargaining at some point in our lives.
Children learn from an early age that getting angry with Mom when she says "no" doesn't work, but trying a different approach might. Like if I do my homework, will you allow me to watch my favourite show? Just like children, many people with cancer who realise that the anger won't help, try to bargain. Often, this means trying to bargain with God. They may agree to live a good life, help the needy, never lie again, or do any number of good things if this higher power will only cure them of their illness. They may try to negotiate more time, saying things like - If I can just live long enough to see my daughter get married... or something similar.
I skipped this stage. It’s not in my nature. It’s not my belief system.
Bargaining is the stage where one clings to an irrational hope even when the facts say otherwise. It may be expressed overtly as panic or manifest with an inner dialogue or prayer unseen by others. People who enter this stage quickly learn that bargaining doesn't work and inevitably move on, usually to the depression stage.
Depression
When it becomes clear that the terminal illness is here to stay, many people experience depression. The increased burden of surgeries, treatments, and physical symptoms of illness, for example, make it difficult for some people to remain angry or to force a stoic smile. Depression, in turn, may creep in.
For example, a woman who is diagnosed with cervical cancer may first lose her uterus to surgery and her hair to chemotherapy. Her husband is left without help to care for their three children, while she is ill and has to send the children to a family member out of town. Because cancer treatment was so expensive, this woman and her spouse can't afford their mortgage and need to sell their home. The woman feels a deep sense of loss with each one of these events and slips into depression.
Depression is considered the stage without which acceptance is unlikely. With that being said, one can feel many different losses during the same event. Weeding out those feelings may take time, during which a person may rebound in and out of depression.
With so much love and support around me, I don’t think I felt depressed. My friends and family were all around me – for physical, emotional and mental support. I must also mention here that my scriptural studies helped. I continue studying the Vedanta philosophy in a study group managed by the Chinmaya mission. The Acharya of the zone which I am a part of had rung me up and very gently said – This is your Prarabdha. You just have to go through the process of your treatment as is prescribed. I derived tremendous strength from these words.
For a simple explanation, in the Hindu philosophy of Vedanta, Prarabdha is the portion of the past karma (actions) which is responsible for the present body and present experiences. Prarabdha is a Sanskrit word meaning commenced or begun. Therefore, it cannot be avoided or changed.
Acceptance
The stage of acceptance is where most people will experience joy and fulfilment.. It is a stage of peaceful resolution. People who achieve acceptance have typically given themselves permission to express grief, regret, anger, and depression. By doing so, they are able to process their emotions and come to terms with a “new reality”.
Some people who are diagnosed late in their illness and don't have time to work through the above stages may never experience true acceptance. Others who can't move on from another stage—the person who stays angry at the world until death, for example—may also never experience the peace of acceptance. For the lucky person who does come to acceptance, the remaining life is often spent in quiet contemplation as they turn inward.
I am grateful for reaching this stage pretty early on. For me, self-care is very important. My daily practice not only includes chanting and time in silence, but also other forms of meditation like coloring, drawing, knitting, writing, reading (fiction and non fiction), singing, dancing and daily reflection. This year of 2023 is dedicated to more mental and emotional equanimity. This is an area I have to seriously work on.
Self improvement is a journey, It is not a destination. We have to make conscious and consistent effort till the end of life.
The explanation text for DABDA has been taken from https://www.verywellhealth.com/dabda-the-five-stages-of-coping-with-death-1132148
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