As I conceptualise and design a program for couples in the early stages of marriage, I think of the 25 years of my marriage. And what comes to mind is Tuckman’s Model. I think my marriage went through these classic stages.
The pre stage (before forming) is that I am over 3 years old and unmarried. I am tired of saying NO, but I just don’t connect with anyone. Someone has a Bong accent, someone stays in US and someone stays in Ulhasnagar. My friend is the sales and marketing representative and he is the client representative. My friend is taking the client out for dinner and invites me. We meet at Mahesh Lunch Home on 4th April 1998 and I am not impressed. Cutting a long story short, it is May 1998 and we have decided to get married!
The initial forming stage is the process of putting the structure of the team together. Ambiguity and conflict is avoided at all costs due to the need to be accepted. The courtship starts. The marriage date is set for January 1999. My office is in Seepz. His office is in Marine Lines. He lives in Andheri. I live in Sion. So, after office, he travels to Andheri by train, takes his 2-wheeler and picks me up. We go and sit at a seaside restaurant in Juhu – which does not exist today! Then he drops me home and goes home. For non-Mumbaikars, he is travelling approx. 30-35 kms practically every day.
The storming stage begins to occur as the process of organizing tasks and processes surface interpersonal conflicts. Leadership, power, and structural issues dominate this stage. The first few years of our marriage are primarily storms. Two strong personalities, over the age of 30. And me travelling 28 days of the month. We are caught in the hustle-bustle of life. No time to pause. No time to talk and share. No trying to understand each other’s lives – motivations, viewpoints, triggers, etc. We just sweep everything under the carpet.
In the norming stage, team members create new ways of doing and being together. As cohesion develops, there is shared leadership and the realization of the importance of trust. For us, this phase started with the birth of K in 2004. It was a miracle that she was conceived, given my travelling. For a year or so, it seemed that we had found a common ground. The storming phase makes an appearance once in a while. I am travelling lesser. And in about 4 years, I give up corporate life to focus on motherhood. My last job is as Director at Deloitte Consulting. Been there, done that. Though it’s not very easy to give up the salary.
True interdependence is the norm of the performing stage. There is flexibility as individuals adapt to meet the needs of other members. This is a highly productive stage both personally and professionally. Today, after 25 years (maybe a couple of years earlier) I can finally say we are performing. One is upset and the other understands. One refuses to do something and the other understands. Both of us are more comfortable treading our individual journeys. And we also find to spend time together daily.
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