Last Friday evening I received a message that I would have to take a 3 day life skills training program for the graduate trainees of a public sector organization. The first draft of the content was given on Saturday and I spent the better part of Sunday making the content my own – adding games and activities that I resonated with. So, there was a little tension with so less a time to prepare. I am a ‘plan and prepare’ person and I took this as an opportunity to step out of my comfort zone and make the most of the time available. Anyways, life skills are my forte and I told myself I could do it.
Monday, 10thJuly is my dad’s birthday. Ever since he proceeded on his onward journey, I have not been able to be at home on this day. The first year in 2021, I was in Kashmir and in 2022 I was in Rajasthan. This year since I was at home I decide to make luchi payesh, one of my dad’s favourite foods. I went in the morning and bought 2 litres of milk to make payesh (kheer/ Indian rice pudding). Luchi means puri/ unleavened Indian bread. In many parts of India, puris are made with wheat flour. In Bengal we make with maida/ refined, all-purpose flour so that they look nice and white. Maida, being a refined and packaged product, is not usually welcome in the household, thanks mainly because of me. I remember my dad going to Kolkata and when my maashi (maasi/ maternal aunt) asked him what he wanted to eat, he mentioned luchi without hesitation. He said – Thanks to my daughter, I don’t get to eat luchis as much as I would like to. So, what better way to honour his memory than to make luchi payesh.
And then my mom said something which I took very personally. I felt so hurt that my emotional equanimity was considerably disturbed. I woke up the next morning with a bad cold and cough. My throat was hurting. I managed to go through the training for the day and went of fto sleep as soon as I returned at 7pm. The next day I woke up with the cold and cough and a body pain. My mental stress from the training preparation and the emotional stress from my mom’s words had compromised my immunity and caused my illness.
The training went on till Wednesday, so I had no time and space to attend to my illness. On Thursday, I woke up at 4am (I had again gone to sleep at around 7pm the earlier evening). I did some breathing exercises and spent some time in silence. Then I reflected on the incident with my mother. I used Perceptual Positioning, a powerful exercise to strengthen understanding and empathy. It also helps in self-awareness, to get a better understanding of our own beliefs and understanding of the world. I could recognise why my mother said what she said. I could acknowledge her life experiences which made her say what she did. I could identify my attachment to my identity as a daughter which made me take her words so personally. I accepted that we both were doing the best we could with the resources we had at the moment.
I wrote all my sad feelings of hurt and anger onto small chits of paper and put them in a small box. I bought a helium balloon, tied the box to the balloon string and watched my sad feelings go away. This exercise works just as well with visualization instead of actually getting a box and balloon.
Then I wrote the following affirmations
1. I forgive mom for saying things which hurt me. It was not her intention to do so.
2. I forgive myself for misunderstanding mom and taking things personally.
3. I deserve to treat myself with kindness and compassion.
4. I love and accept myself with all my imperfections.
5. I can learn from my mistakes.
6. By accepting responsibility for what happened, I can achieve personal growth.
7. I care about others and am accountable for my actions.
8. I am wiser today than yesterday because I have learned from my mistakes.
9. Making mistakes is an opportunity to gain wisdom.
10.Forgiveness is a strength.
11.Punishing myself forever is unhelpful to me and others.
12.I deserve to speak kindly to myself.
The last thing I did, on Friday was to get a hand, foot and head massage for a physical relief. When I get a massage, I always visualise the cells in my body as happy, healthy and healing. I actually visualise them having a smiley
Today, I am feeling much better – physically, mentally and emotionally! I just had a long lunch with a friend.
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