What is Forgiveness

What we think is Forgiveness?

Usually, we think of forgiveness as expecting an apology from the other person. And sometimes, even when they the other person says – Sorry!, we politely say – It’s OK! Actually, we really don’t really feel like forgiving. There is a part of us that believes we can get peace of mind by holding on to the anger, the hurt, the hatred and the pain. There’s a part that says we must protect ourselves. There’s a part that says that we can achieve happiness by being attached to the hatred. There’s a part that says that we will find this happiness and peace of mind only by getting back, by taking revenge.

The Outcome of our Old Ways of Thinking

We believe that we should withhold our love and joy because we have been hurt in the past. We cling to our grievances about the way the other person has hurt us, believing that this is a way to protect ourselves. Resentment and unwillingness to forgive keeps us locked in the past and prevents us from moving forward with our life. We hold on to the pain and simultaneously, are also blind to what can heal us.

What is Forgiveness actually?

Forgiveness is the willingness to let go of the hurtful past. It is the decision to no longer suffer. It is a choice we make to find no value in hatred or anger. It is letting go of the desire to hurt others or ourselves because of something that has happened in the past. When we cling to past grievances we condemn ourselves to the darkness. To forgive is to feel for ourselves. the compassion, gentleness, tenderness and caring that is always within our hearts no matter how the world may seem at the moment. Forgiveness is the path to a place of inner peace and happiness. If we can’t see that path, it is because it is hidden by our own attachment to our anger. But the place of peace and happiness exists and is always available to us.

Why do we find it so difficult to forgive?

My friend’s wife, left him for another man. A year later she called to say that she wanted to come back and be forgiven. He was angry and in no mood to forgive. “How can I ever forgive her?” he asked, “What did I do wrong? I was a good husband. I loved her and showed my love in so many, different ways. And what did she do? She betrayed me! I did notice a change in her and even asked her what was wrong. And she told me everything was fine, that I was just being silly! Then, one day she went to office and didn’t return!”

1. We feel forgiveness is giving in

Actually, it is letting go of the hurt and negative feelings. Once you forgive, you are no longer emotionally tied to the person who hurt you. Anita, who’d survived years of sexual abuse by her uncle eventually managed to forgive the mother who’d known about it but had never intervened. Having at last managed to forgive, she was now able to live without fighting her mother in her head, imagining her revenge.

2. We feel forgiveness is letting the other person off the hook

Actually, it’s about getting yourself off the hook. By forgiving, we set ourselves free from tormenting thoughts and feelings. Forgiving is good for the body as well. Dr Redford Williams, co-author of Anger Kills, says that simply remembering an incident that made us angry is stressful to the heart. Reliving past hurts over and over again, is bad for our health.

Research shows a direct correlation between forgiveness and health. People with various illnesses – back problems, ulcers, blood pressure and even cancer – have had their symptoms abate as they learnt to forgive. Forgiveness is the answer to almost everything – says Louise Hay. To quote her

When we do not flow freely with life in the present moment, it usually means we are holding on to the past. It can be regret, sadness, hurt, anger, fear, guilt, blame, resentment and probably even revenge. Each of these comes from a space of unforgiveness, a refusal to let go and the willingness to live in the present moment. Love is always the answer to healing of any sort. And the pathway to love is forgiveness. Forgiveness dissolves resentment.

3. We feel forgiveness is forgetting

Actually, it is being able to remember wisely. We cannot forget the hurt and the humiliation and the betrayal. AND, we should definitely not. The memory serves as a reminder to avoid similar situations in the future.

4. We feel forgiveness is being weak

Actually, it is about re-claiming your power to make the right choice for your mental and emotional wellbeing. It is taking 100% responsibility of your life. If we say “I can’t forgive” then we are handing over control over our lives to the person who hurt us. Choosing to forgive can create a sense of power.

The Process of Forgiveness

Obviously, forgiving takes time…. And effort. It is not a single event but a process. Initially, we will experience anger, sadness, and resentment. Acknowledge and honour those emotions. What are they telling you? Then try to make sense of what happened. Try and find reasons why the person concerned may have acted to hurt us, especially if they are near and dear ones. Then we may be able to come to a place where we see the person – and even ourselves - through different eyes. We can gain a new understanding of the situation. Sometimes, I realise that the other person did not intend to hurt me at all. I took it personally. It is a continuous journey of peeling the layers off gradually. We have to keep practicing - consciously and consistently

What can Forgiveness do?

Forgiveness can create some of the most profound transformations you can ever hope for or imagine – in your life and the life of others. It can bring joy where there is sorrow, peace where there is turmoil, and calm where there is anger. It can release us from the past and make us experience the joy of living fully in the present moment.

Forgiveness stops the internal struggles and makes us stop recycling blame and anger. Forgiveness is an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger. It's important to let go of this resentment in order to set ourselves free.

Resentment and unwillingness to forgive will keep us locked in the past and prevent us from moving forward with our life. When we forgive, we aren’t doing it for the other person; we’re doing it for yourself.

Carl Jung said, “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

There’s a lesson in that for all of us: Try to let go of whatever it is that’s holding you back from experiencing yourself. You’ll probably realize that you are not what other people say you are. You are not your pain, your past, or your emotions. It’s the negative ideas about ourselves and our hurtful self-talk that get in the way of who we really want to be. Being able to let go, requires a strong sense of self, which gives you the ability to learn and grow from your experiences.

Bitterness is like swallowing a teaspoon of poison every day. It accumulates and harms us. It is impossible to be healthy and free when we keep ourselves bound to the past. The incident is long over. Yes, they did not behave well. However, it is over. Sometimes we feel that if we forgive them, then we are saying that what they did to us was okay. This is not to condone poor behavior. Forgiveness DOES NOT mean that what the other person did was right.

The incident is over. Perhaps long over. Let it go. Allow yourself to be free. Come out of the prison and step into the sunshine of life. If the incident is still going on, then ask yourself why you think so little of yourself that you still put up with it. Why do you stay in such a situation? You need to raise your self-esteem to such a level that you only allow loving experiences in your life. Don’t waste time trying to “get even.” It doesn’t work. Let’s drop the past and work on loving ourselves in the now. Then we shall have a wonderful future. When you love yourself enough to rise above the old situation, then understanding and forgiveness will be easy. And you will be free.

Finally……

Forgiveness can be seen as a journey across a bridge from a world where we are constantly recycling our anger to a world where we are primarily experiencing peace. Forgiveness is the way out of darkness and into the light. It allows us to step out from the shadows of the past irrespective of whose shadow it is – our own or someone else’s. Quoting from A Course in Miracles:

What could you want that forgiveness cannot give? Do you want peace? Forgiveness offers it. Do you want happiness, a quiet mind, a certainty of purpose, and a sense of worth and beauty that transcends the world? Do you want care and safety, and the warmth of pure protection always? Do you want a quietness that cannot be disturbed, a gentleness that never can be hurt, a deep abiding comfort, and a rest so perfect it can never be upset? All this forgiveness offers you, and more. It sparkles in your eyes as you awake, and gives you joy with which to meet the day. It soothes your forehead as you sleep, and rests on your eyelids so you see no dreams of fear and evil, malice and attack. And when you wake again, it offers you another day of happiness and peace. All this forgiveness offers you, and more.